NSBC – Blog

What an absolutely beautiful wedding. And so much more.

A dear friend of mine from college got married. I could not be more happy for her. They have been dating for quite some time, so we all knew it had to happen eventually. Regardless of the wait, this wedding was out of a fairy tale. Live brass band band, jazz combo, Star Wars themed table assignments, open bar, ice cream, bundt cakes, and more.

But beyond the beauty of the outdoors, the splendor of the music, the poetic vows, and the showmanship of the officiant, there was something more.

For the first time in a very long time, I felt like I could just be me.

There was a light in the air and a weightlessness in me.

My fiance was my wedding guest. And that is exactly how I introduced him.

Sometimes I forget how free college was. I really started to figure out who I was there. I openly dated. I wore shirts with pride. I wore my heart on my sleeve. I didn’t care who knew, because I was me. I had a huge support system. My professors supported me, and were far more concerned about the quality of my work than the gender of my partner. I was confident. I was proud. I was me.

…then I went home…

I knew how my parent’s felt about it.

I don’t think I will ever forget what my mother said about it.

No matter how hard I try.

…I went home…

Teaching in a small town is not the same as growing up in a small town, especially when you have grown so much since then. You see things differently. What I used to hold as truth, I know now to be fiction. What I believed to be obvious, has turned to shades of grey. What I once had offered as love, began to taste bitterly like hate.

In a small town, you don’t know who will support you. And if they decide to not support you, where will you go next? What will you do if they pull their students from your class? Are you willing to risk destroying a program just so you can live openly? Is that worth it?

…I had gone home…but it wasn’t home anymore…

I wrapped myself up. I hid myself away. I created a closet around me to hold and hide who I was. I short changed the version of me that the world saw to protect myself and my future.

Teaching from a closet is not something I would recommend. It is cramped. You bump your head. You trip on fallen clothes. You stumble on shoes. You can get lost in there. It is dark.

But what a beautiful wedding it was…

The lights shined so bright.

They shined so bright.

We shined so bright.

I will hold that bright light close to myself as I go back to teaching this year. The wardrobe does not close all the way now, and the light pours from within.

It was a beautiful wedding. And not the first where he was my date. And not the last by any means.

I just wonder how beautiful our wedding will be…